The wrong unexpected

It's the kissing that matters.

I was with this girl for some time. Her hand seemed to fit mine. Her lips seemed to fit mine. Her body seemed to fit mine. Her thoughts seemed to fit mine. I loved her. I loved making love to her. Until one day.

It was late and we went to bed. I thought we'd sleep, but she started touching me. Her right hand went straight from my tummy down to my pjs and in. It was the same gentle hand, the same intense touch as always.

But,

she didn't kiss me. Not once. She was just there, and I was just there.
I'm still not completely sure, but it just might've been the worst feeling I ever had. She felt like fucking me, but she didn't feel like kissing me. I had to stop her. And couldn't have sex with her again. And it all ended bad. But even if it didn't, I couldn't do it again. And I don't care what your fingers can do or how fast you can make me come. I couldn't do it.

She somehow stayed.

She somehow stayed.

I don't want anyone around me. It's just me. And myself and all that. And I'm enough to myself. Fuck, I can even be too much to myself.

She somehow stayed.

I admit, I never told her to leave. I guess I never wanted it. She came slowly, as this calm person, this "don't bug me and trust me, I shall not bug you" person. Then she smiled. Not at the beginning, a bit later. Now she smiles more. As if I was funnier now. She has her own life happening. A rather full one, I must say. As everyone else, I expected her to leave.

She somehow stayed.

Then, one day I smelled her hair. I shouldn't have, I was in no position to do that. I was to involved. She didn't notice it. She was talking about her sister. And she listened to me talk about my mother. It was perhaps the calmest moment in my life. The one when small talk becomes so big, when big words become so easy to spell, when blue eyes become so much more than a cliché. Then she explained how she was going to work somewhere out of the country.

She somehow stayed.

She wanted to kiss me one day. I only know it now. Maybe it's better that way. Otherwise it might've gone too fast. It wouldn't be fair to any of us. You know, she never seems confused. But she is. I know it, I just can't define it when it happens. She just doesn't look into my eyes. But she rarely does anyway. I wish she did it more often. It would calm me down. She has that effect and again, she doesn't even know it. So much she doesn't know. She doesn't need to touch me for me to be with her. I don't need her smell anymore, I know it way too well. She could leave anytime.

She somehow stayed.

And I never asked her to stay. She just did. And I would never ask her to stay. Despite my pride and ego and all, I doubt it would be smart for her to stay. Having so much in me, I cannot name one thing I could give her. So many times I almost asked her to leave.

She somehow stayed.

I hope she stays one moment more.

its just 1's and 0's

after she logs off i remain sitting and i stare at the screen.
i leave the chat window open, dont know why.
maybe im hoping shed come back and send me that "*".

*

im not gonna lie, i cant feel it on my lips.
its simple binary code, its just 1's and 0's.
..and yet, its what i crave for. i want it over and over again.

when she turns on her webcam and image finally appears i murmur a "hello".
dont know why i do it, she doesnt hear it.
and then i stare.
at her eyebrows, her lips, that joker-like smile, the tip of her nose.

her.

its weird feeling this way towards someone
that ive spent more time talking to online than in real life.
..and i keep telling myself that its just 1's and 0's.

so i held her.

"and later?"
she shook her head, as if to say "dont prolong this, you know i have to go."
so i stopped, i didnt tell her all i wanted to say.
all? i didnt say any of it.
ive never been that good with spoken words anyway.

so i held her.
listened to her breathing, caressed her hair,
memorized her skin, looked into her big blue-green-beautiful eyes.


"kiss?"
she shook her head.
looking straight at me, holding eye contact. waiting for a response.
i guess the only thing she could see on my face was surprise.
maybe shock, but thatd be exaggerated.
i may not know her well, but i know sometimes she does things without thinking.
i was hoping this was one of them.

so i held her.
watched her fingers slid carefully over my painted skin.
i wondered what she was thinking.


"kiss?!", i implored her bit later.
she shook her head. again.
this time i had to look away, i couldnt stand it.
i didnt want her to read me, they say i have the "you hurt me" look.

so i held her.

fucked if i know

you know, with a single line you could make me yours.
(arent i already?)

what would it mean?
thoughts and feelings commingling
the taste of me on your tongue
the scent of you under my fingernails.
(scared yet?)

theres more.
being broken, crying, joy and wild laughter,
blank stares, anger and punches throw into the air.
stupidity, boredom, passion and drama.

why do you take all things in stride?

yet, i... think youre cool.
(almost, already.)

I can't do it as I usually would. Not like I'd do it here. So I'll do it like this...

new photos required

today i looked at the photo album of my mind,
and photographs are getting kinda faded.

the touch of your hair on my face.
(why would you think id mind??)
your smell.
(i actually refused to wash my hands that day.)
you.
(somehow i can still taste you on the tip of my tongue.)

and then i think,
was it the same for you?
did you like it?
perhaps, enjoy it?
did you even relax enough to let me in?

i need to take new photos.